advice to daphne - a book?!!

My (imaginary) friend Daphne has been in Versailles since last spring and is really settling in now.  She and I have been exchanging notes over Christmas - sounds like she has plans!

Three weeks ago .....

My sweet Daphne

How lovely to receive your invite,  thank you, we'd love to come to dinner next week, sounds like you're becoming quite the Versailles socialite. 

I'm so glad you put my advice about staying slim into practice, it's not surprising that you're feeling so wonderful and 'petite' , I told you there was no secret!  At dinner you'll be able to wear one of those dresses you've been telling me about and show off the new you!

About our conversation the other day ... darling, I know you've been in France for a whole 8 months now, but do you think it may be a tad early to write the definitive tome on the French and their wily ways??  Your Versailles girlfriends may be encouraging , but you know, it's one thing making a few gals  laugh over a coffee, it's another to write a best seller.

If you want to test the water, why not try writing a blog instead - I've heard they're all the rage!

Your friend

S

Two weeks ago .....

Dear Daphne,

I find it amazing that you already have yourself a contract to write!  Whatever did you do to get that ... no , on second thoughts,  don't tell me, I'd rather guess.

And thank you darling, but flattered as I am to be invited by your 'publisher' to write the introduction to the book; I think I shall decline, I'll be happy to buy a volume in our local book store and be able to say "I knew her once" !

your amie,  S

10 days ago ...

Daphne darling,

What’s the matter with the man?!  Nobody pays that much for the opening chapter to a potentially-never-sold book about Paris !! - where's the catch?  The answer is still no,

with affection and patience,  your friend S

8 days ago ...

OK Daphne, it's now official - you've found yourself a publisher with more money than sense.  Well good on you gal, and yes, yes, OK , I'll write a short introduction for you, but please don't ask me to get involved in any of your 'on the ground research', I don't think I have the strength.

PS  They don't really want you to measure hemlines do they?!

Today ...

Thank goodness Daphne,

So glad you saw the light about the man, I knew it wasn't your writing he was after!! :)

Yes of course I was serious about the blog idea; I think it would be great.  You could write about getting to know Paris as a mother with young children and as wife to a successful business man you’ll give us tips on where to shop, where to go for lunch, which hairdressers to use, it would be a ball!  You could cover all the chic stuff we country girls can only dream about.

Speaking of which, why don’t you and I have a chic lunch next week to talk about it?!

Kisses,  ton amie,   S

PS  You’ll need to find a good name for the blog –  I'll ask around for ideas !

Well!  What can I say, sounds like Daphne has more surprises up her sleeve!  If you have any ideas for the title to her upcoming blog, or indeed advice on style and content, I just know she'd love to hear from you!

If you didn't read our earlier correspondence, you may like to know that I already advised her on throwing a dinner party; staying slim; kissing; her clothes and saying 'tu' !

Thank you for reading me (and her!) , Daphne and I both wish you a great weekend!

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advice to daphne - staying chic this winter

Daphne was thrilled with my advice on staying slim, apparently she's melting away and wants to rethink her 'look', she sweetly asked for my ideas on what the well dressed woman should be wearing this winter.

My sweet Daphne

I'm so happy to learn that you followed my advice (all except the last bit I hope!) and that the kilos are dropping off, and I wasn't at all surprised to hear that you need to replace your wardrobe and you're worried about looking chic this winter.

Of course if you had moved out close to me in the country as I suggested when you arrived last year (remember!!) , you could spend your days like me in riding boots, a jumper and a pair of jeans!  You however chose to live in Versailles, and now you have to go with their dress code.  Believe me honey, if you don't look the part you'll have a tough time fitting in.

First things first - please! please darling!   forget the track suit, unless you are jogging or playing winter tennis!  To blend in perfectly when invited to sip café at a copine's house, or to take your children to school, I would suggest neutrals.

The other thing to totally forget my dear is trainers, sports shoes,  anything built for comfort. From now on you don't think comfort you think pretty, chic and well presented.  Of course I don't expect you to race around all day in high heels, but a pair of ballerines must become an essential part of your wardrobe, as well as a good pair of boots that you'll either pull over your skinny jeans or wear with black tights and a chic little skirt that comes just above your new found knee!

Of course your bag will always match your foot wear, which brings us to the other vital winter accessories, the scarf.  Wool, silk, cotton, whatever works, to be knotted effortlessly around your neck or the collar of your coat.  When you're not wearing it just tie it to your handbag!

And while you're buying yourself a scarf, why don't you pick one up for your darling husband as well, I guarantee he'll look instantly French, and even more gorgeous

I know that your social diary is filling up fast,  and I'm so glad that you've already noticed how the french women manage to look chic without looking overdone.  Stay light on the make up, hardly-there foundation, and either eyes or mouth emphasised, but never both, and never too bold. A dab of perfume and you're done!

 For evenings it's best to stay simple, here again you can go with neutrals, 

otherwise the LBD always works, maybe a touch of pink, lime green or a red accessory.

Voila my dear, I have to be quick today as I have horses to feed and children to collect from school!  Do come and visit with us soon, there are some friends I'm dying to introduce you to, we'd have a ball!

ton amie

S

all pictures thanks to Cyrillus

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advice to Daphne - staying slim in France

My imaginary friend Daphne has been writing to me again, needing more advice about fitting in here.  Since she arrived in France at the beginning of the year I've been helping her out with dinner etiquette, language problems and other technical points, today she has a problem that's more .... well let's just say that's getting bigger!

My darling Daphne

How lovely to hear from you again ma chérie, I was beginning to think that you'd forgotten all about me; that I was too provincial for you in my country home while you're in your chic Versailles apartment.

No surprise though, to hear what's troubling you this time!  Your petites rondeurs, tes kilos en trop, tes poignées d'amour - yup, you've been hitting the french cuisine since you got here last spring  and it's all gone to your hips.  Très classique!!

What you need is to start acting like a French girl - surely you've noticed how runner-bean thin they all are in Versailles.

There is no easy way around this ma chérie, you've got to change some basic habits:

The little boulangerie at the end of your street may make fantastic macarons, great croissant and amazing home made chocolates, but for a while the only way you should enjoy them is with your eyes!  You heard me ....  I know you see French women buying them, but that doesn't mean they'll eat them.  They gift macarons and chocolates at dinner parties, they buy croissant and pain au chocolat for their children's 4 pm snack and fancy cakes for a family gathering but they don't touch a crumb!

Even the delicious baguette will only be eaten in small bites, la française is unlikely to eat a whole portion of bread with her meal.

Wine - yes, I know it's wonderful stuff, it's sociable to drink and I know that your husband has an impressive wine cellar, but if you keep an eye on your French girlfriends they drink little.  Even at a chic dinner where there is different wine served with each course. It's all about moderation.

However, this doesn't meant you should cut down on the lunches with girlfriends:  très important to be in on the news, to be seen out and about.  Just do as they do: eat salad and fish; drink sparkling water ; no dessert and a couple of strong coffees.  The beauty of this is that you'll sit down and take your time, you'll eat slowly because you'll be chatting, and all that with very few calories.

Now,  I hope Daphne that you're not using your car each day.  You're in town, you need to walk or to use those wonderful bikes you can rent by the hour all over Paris.  

Finally, I'll leave you with a word of advice I heard a French girlfriend pass on recently to another friend who was complaining that she had put on one whole kilo!  "You need a poor, young lover" she said, dead serious.  The girl just nodded in agreement, the logic of her friend's advice obviously crystal clear.   "Poor and young?" I asked, "why's that so important?"  they smiled at me  indulgently, "well," the first replied, "if he's poor he'll be living in some 6th floor garret without a lift, and if he's young then you'll be motivated to get up there to join him ...you know,  ... double the exercise!!"   

Food for thought, darling you have to admit!

Let's meet up soon and have a long chat over a  .... mineral water,

your friend

S

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advice to Daphne - kissing in French

My dear (imaginary) friend Daphne has written again, she's having trouble with the whole kissing thing in France - forgive me if you've already read my ideas on this one, the girl has got herself in a fix, and needs my help!

Dear Daphne

I just received your letter;  I'm so sorry to hear that you're having trouble with the natives! Settling in France isn't really that difficult, you just need a guiding hand. When I came here twenty something years ago, I made all sorts of faux pas, but I was young, carefree and blissfully unaware. Today, you and I are of an age where we can no longer feign ignorance.

Your incident with the bank manager sounds frightful, the poor man must have wondered what was happening, I don't suppose a new client has ever kissed him before! No wonder his assistant looked so disapproving, but you're right she could have been nicer about it. Her sniggering was entirely uncalled for. If I'd been there I would have Oh-mon-Dieued right back to her too.

Anyway, just put it all behind you now. I've  put together a few rules to follow about kissing in France – faire la bise. Stick to these old girl and  you should be pretty safe, 

1.    Proper grown ups (like you and me my dear ) shake hands when they meet.  If you're at a social event and you get on well with someone you meet, say a nice young chap at a dinner, or a girl you think you could be friends with, then you  will probably kiss - faire la bise - when you say goodbye.

2.    Whenever you bump into a friend you give them a kiss.  But if you meet the same friend a second or third time in the same day, you don't have to kiss them again, one kiss/day is enough, even for the French.

3     PLease darling , whatever you do, don't hug.  A hug is very anglo-saxon, we like to show the depth of our feelings, show how much we care.  The bise has nothing to do  with affection., and the French don't like to show that they care (which doesn't mean they don't care, they just show it more discreetly).The bise, or kiss, is never warm, and certainly - Dieu forbid ! - not wet.  Cheeks barely touch, a hand may be placed on a shoulder, but even that's not obligatory.

4.    If you're with polite children , they will say bonjour madame to you, and expect you to lean down and give them a tiny kiss.

5.    Whatever you do dear girl, please don't start giving 4 kisses, this is  a social class thing, and believe me, you don't want to get it wrong.  Two will do!!

6. Finally ... please promise me that you will  never (again) kiss your bank manager, your child's headmistress, the postman or the village priest!

Keep me in touch with how it's all going, I'm always happy to help out.

ton amie
S

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advice to Daphne - "tu" or "vous"

My second letter to Daphne, my imaginary friend,
newly arrived in France and in need of advice.

My darling Daphne
So glad to hear that you appreciated  my tips for your dinner , well it obviously went off well  if they were still there at 4am!  You must be the talk of the town.  I'm sure that your hubby's  remarkable wine cellar was a help too, were there really that many empties to evacuate in the morning?!  Oh la la!

So now you're worried about when to say "tu" and when to say "vous" to people around you.  This polite and familiar form of "you" is a pain in the derrière until you've cracked it.  But really Daphne my dear, as pleasant as your butcher may be,  you shouldn't have said "tu" to him!   I would have loved to have been there though ,  the poor man probably nearly keeled over face down into his fresh meats.

Of course the basic rule of  thumb is that "tu" is for animals,  children and close family, for everyone else it's "vous".  Mon Dieu!, if only life were that simple.   Maybe this will help:


When introduced to someone at a posh dinner you'll say 'vous' until the atmosphere melts a little - then someone  will suggest saying 'tu'.
In a professional situation, or in a shop or at school it will always be "vous".
In sporting and  artistic circles 'tu' is almost always de rigueur from the outset.  This makes sense, no point trying to put on airs and graces when your wearing outlandish sports gear or covered in paint!
When children and teenagers come to your house, just say 'tu' to them.  They'll mostly say 'vous' to you, until you invite them to switch to 'tu'.  Not all of them will manage,  don't take it badly sweetheart, it's just their education.

I'm not at all surprised when you tell me that you know couples who say "vous" to one another.  As I mentioned before you are living in a very smart and bourgeois world darling, Versailles hasn't forgotten that it's home to a royal palace you know.  In certain  circles of society, couples say "vous" to each other, but quite happily say "tu" to their close friends.  Go figure!  In this sort of family the children will say "vous" to their parents, grandparents and any other adults they meet.

On the whole, until you're really at ease with the language, it's best to take the lead from others.  Between you and me it will always be "tu" !


Ton amie
S

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advice to daphne - a french dinner

My dear Daphne

Delighted to hear that you're beginning to invite the locals to dinner. Good for you old girl, nothing like grabbing the 'vache' by the horns.

You asked me about dinner étiquette, and I am very flattered that you think me so worldly wise. Here in the country of course, things can be kept fairly simple, but I should imagine that in your lah-di-da  appartment in Versailles, you're going to come across some real French bourgeois, totally 'fanatiques' about 'les bonnes manières'.

Of course you could always play 'l'eccentrique' who does her own thing, but the French will be more comfortable if you follow some of their rules too.

You should invite your guests for 8 to 8.30pm. They won't arrive until 8.45 to 9 -    whatever you do, don't tut-tut or  look surprised.

They will bring you small or not-so-small gifts, which you either open straight away, or maybe with coffee after supper.  If there are any extremely polite single men invited,  they'll have flowers delivered to your home during the afternoon , so that you have time to arrange them before everyone  arrives.

You should serve an apéritif.... Champagne always goes down well, wine is acceptable, cocktails a guaranteed success.  Little 'amuse-gueules' are an excellent idea. 'La femme française' will order these from her 'boulangerie'. If you have a good cheese pastry recipe, you could always try makng some of those.   Peanuts and crisps are better avoided, fresh ' crudités' with fat-free dips will be appreciated by the slim parisiennes always careful with their silhouette.

Sometime after 9.30 you can lead your guests to the table where they will expect to be placed, either by you or by your homme.   Separate the couples, place the most amusing ones in the centre.   A perfect hostess (ie you cherie!) will bite the bullet and place the most boring guest next to her.  By the way darling, I know you're very good at telling jokes, but please refrain. .... In France only men are meant to tell jokes at the dinner table.

Now,  you're a marvellous cook so I don't need to advise you on the menu. Don't forget though that the French take their cheese before dessert, and it's considered a huge and, to my mind ridiculous faux pas, to pass the cheese platter around more than once.   Don't ask me why – c'est comme ça!

They will expect water available on the table, with a separate glass, and a different wine for each course.

By the time they've nibbled and chatted their way through your delicous 4-courser it will be near one in the morning.  

Time to invite your guests to return to the living room where (in your spare time!) you'll have cleared away the apéritif and  rekindled the fire!


You may offer coffee, but should also have a choice of tisanes and even tea. The men will appreciate a 'digestif' , such as a cognac, and a few good chocolates won't go amiss.

Expect them to leave sometime between 1 and 2 am.  If they're gone before midnight you've done something wrong, if they're still there chez toi at 3 you're a star!!

Voila darling, wish I could be there, please let me know how it goes

ton amie
S

(Daphne is my new imaginary friend, freshly arrived in France, trying to understand not only the lingo but also the do's and dont's of polite French society.  Hope you enjoy!)

photos thank to Sia

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